Questions & Answers

How to Deal with a Heartbreak

I was in a relationship an year ago and I am finding it hard to get over it. On New Year’s Eve, I heard she is seeing someone I know. Two days later, I found out she is getting engaged to him that week. It feels like I have lost the will to live because we were so very close and she has moved on. Can you please give me some advice on how to deal with this?
– Anonymous

Mahatma Das: I think it is important to understand from this experience the nature of “so-called” love in this world. Srila Prabhupada said, real love is for Krsna, and He will never leave you. Also, it is important to accept that it is likely you did something similar in this or a past life to someone else. I think you can also take solace in the fact that at least the relationship didn’t work before you got married and not after. Women in the West do not have the training as wives as do India women, so their ability to commit to one man is more challenging. In India, you are raised from birth to understand relationships with the opposite sex mean once. In the West, we are raised to go through many relationships until we find the perfect one. So, the risk is always there that a woman today, even Indian women today, will find it more difficult to commit to one man, and that every relationship you have with women raised in this way has a possibility of not working out before or after you are married. The system of arranged marriages prevents the heartbreaks. In times like these, it is even more important to focus your consciousness on pleasing Krishna, otherwise you will become overly self-absorbed thinking how miserable you are, how could she do this to me, etc. The universe doesn’t revolve around you, it revolves around Krishna. So, get Krishna in the center of your universe, think what will please Him, and this will help you. As long as we think what will please us, we’ll set ourselves up for disappointment. Your lamentation is self absorption. A devotee doesn’t think “Oh I am so unhappy.” A devotee thinks how can I make Krishna happy. Ultimately, your happiness is not what is important. What is important is your love and service to guru and Krishna. Make this the most important thing for you and you will immediately feel better. So many more lessons can be learned from this. You are not the controller. You are not the enjoyer. Perhaps, even Krishna has a better plan for you and didn’t want you to be with her. Perhaps, He wanted to help you understand the nature of so-called material love.

Relationships are partnerships to serve Krishna, not just mutual back scratching arrangements. Relationships are asrama. Girlfriend is not asrama, marriage is asrama. Learn from your experience and do things better the time around. For now, accept what happened to you as the Divine arrangement. If you accept this as Krishna’s will, you will be able to deal with it better. Right now you are having difficulty because you cannot accept what is happening to you.

Krishna is giving you an opportunity here to do something very Krishna conscious, although very difficult. You should support her in her new relationship, you should be happy for her, and be happy that she is happy. Again, if it is all about how she should make you happy, and you can’t deal with the fact that two other people are happy at your expense, you are allowing yourself to manifest demonic qualities.